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Anger —Refocusing of Pain
It comes out in many ways…
I’m trying to get to sleep. But sleep ignores me. I bang my hand repeatedly on the bed’s half side rail (I’d fallen out once). I’m mad — about my life — about my inability to do anything — about the pain I carry with me constantly — about the false statements of love from my husband — about my daughter’s inactivity to what I need done in the house (all the things I once did and can no longer do).
My legs twitch nervously, my feet cramp and I see one big toe rise up to an almost standing position, causing me more pain. I continue to bang on the side rail to release some of my anger and refocus the pain.
The anger has many causes — a messy house that no one who lives in it but me cares about, a marriage where platitudes abound but no affection, a life of chances lost for so many reasons — but right now it’s for the lack of sleep and the real or perceived lack of caring from my family.
Of course, I’ve heard/read about the Chauvin verdict and I cannot say I’m surprised. It’s damn time that we prove we are not a police state. The news of the verdict reminds me of the pictures of the riots and protests and fires after the incident itself and I cannot say I was surprised then.
I bang on the side rail and I’m almost pleased to feel the pain in my fist.
